Paul Roub

blah blah blahg

Dear Crazy Neighbor

Thanks so much for the flyer I received the other day. The one ranting about our homeowner’s association. As I’m very new to the neigborhood, I don’t believe we’ve met. Can’t say for sure, though, since your note was unsigned; however, all the neighbors I’ve met so far have seemed quite reasonable and coherent.

The gist of your note seems to be that I should go somewhere unspecified, to protest in an unclear manner, against the association’s plans to quarter British soldiers in my home, and control my precious bodily fluids. Or words to that effect.

A couple of hints, one neighbor to another, that might lend just a touch more credibility to your next missive:

  1. Sign your name. Anonymous screeds lack a certain authority, unless they’re written at the Tom Paine level. Or at least proofread, which leads me to…
  2. Try to spell the name of our community correctly. Getting it wrong once is a typo. Doing so twice gives the impression that you’re not quite sure where you live; also, that you’ve run out of friends who might glance over the papers before the mailbox-stuffing begins. Which reminds me…
  3. I’m reasonably sure it’s illegal to put anything other than mail into other people’s mailboxes. If I were, say, you, I’d be up in arms about that. As it is, the thought of you rummaging around my mailbox creeps me out a bit.
  4. Orange paper is great for those “Boo!” signs you place on doors at Halloween (any strong thoughts on Halloween, by the way?). Not so much for HOA discussions.
  5. Try reading your text out loud. Can you get through the sentence “our homeowner’s association… has more power than the government” with a straight face? Can you list a couple of examples of such unchecked might? One?

Just trying to help. I’m sure there’s a fascinating backstory wherein your dream of a front-yard statue of a zebra-striped, naked Smurfette was shot down. I’m just saying that crumpled, semi-lucid, boldface printouts aren’t the best way to start that conversation.